Thursday, November 19, 2009

Educated By Life: Generation X!!!!!!!!

Life can throw you all kinds of shit,sometimes it makes you just want to give up.What is life about?,hardtimes,bad friends,going through changes with different people.Having kids and worrying if they are going to grow up learning things you try to teach them.Why do we have to go through ups and down?You work like a slave,and slave while you work,just to try and get to the next level in life,for it to sometimes go to a lower level then where you are trying to go.Everyone has ups and downs,sometimes life is good to you,and when it goes bad,it really gets bad.You can walk a fine line all your life,and shit still can go bad.You can pray all day everyday,and still have no good luck.I know we have to suffer sometimes in life because Jesus suffered,and died for our sin,so that we won't suffer in the next life.But this life,right now is hard to deal with,now.And seems to not be getting any better.I blame myself for some of the things that I've done in this life of mine,I blame myself for the things that I've done wrong to myself and to others.I blame myself for knowing better and not doing something about it then.What I'm writing is not as deep as I want to really go,but just things that I think about at times.Can it get any worse,with so many thing already looming in the air,can it really get any worse?As I take 2 steps forward,I find myself going 10 steps backward.I feel like I'm running a steady pace,but going nowhere.Just at a dead stop.And all I can think of is what next can go wrong.And people are not real with you,they are not in your corner as they would like for you to think.They tell you one thing,and then do another.They pat you on your back and smile in your face,but really mean you no good.Which is why I stay to myself anyway,because I know that I'm not going to do myself wrong.But why is it like that,why frunt?,and don't you even know that I see you fruntin.I'm tired man,tired of going through it in the same type manner as before,does it ever change,does it ever get better then this.And how much longer can I try and do the right thing and play by the rules,and pray, to get the same shitty ass results.It's enough to make a nigga go crazy,is this what it's about,is this it?If so then I don't want it.I've had enough.I can't do no more.These writings are just random thoughts that go through my mind sometimes like a run away train.Everyday can't be peaches & cream,and sometimes I'm just not really happy with myself or my life.My kids are the ones that really keep me going,and I want to be better because of them.But that's even hard to do sometimes.Being a long distances dad is no easy task.And reaching a surtain age and having you life turned upside down for a variety of different reasons don't help much either.I put up a good frunt and try to act as if things don't bother me,but the reality is,they do.They say writing sometimes help you get things off your chest,so let's just say that I do a whole lot of writing,and not just in blogs either.These are my rants,this is my way of venting out what's inside of me.I've learned not to get to angry about things,and not let things get to me as much.But if you knew how hard it was,would you be able to do the same.I say again,my kids are what's keeping me going,and without them,there is no telling,what I would be doing,but I do know that it wouldn't be good,Thank God for them.
You see,there were so many times that I could've went down that wrong know the one that leads to nowhere.But just thinking about them and the end result to whatever wrong doing that I was thinking of,kept me from doing it.I am no good to my kids or myself if I am incarcerated,and that's just the bottom line.Growing older and opening up your mine to try and become wiser in the way you think,act,and conduct yourself,weather by yourself or around others is something only you can do.And you can't really be tought that,you have to learn that on
your own.And you also have to want that for yourself in order to learn it.It's easy to do wrong,It's easy to go down that wrong path,it's easy to get sucked in,and it's hard as hell to get out,mainly when you have gotten in too deep.And I also find that although we all know good from bad,and right from wrong,we sometimes put ourselfs into surtain situations.Yeah,life is hard,but life is also about learning self,learning from the mistakes that we make,bettering ourselfs,teaching what we've learned to someone else,so that they don't make the same mistakes
that we've made.Life is about doing the right thing in spight of the wrong that others may do.Not
caring about the peer pressure,or the names that you might get called.It ain't about who got the most money,or the biggest diamonds,or fattest whip.It ain't about being a gang member,or Drug dealer,or murderer.Life is about doing right for yourself and to others,living long and praying strong and pasting it on to the next generation.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I'm done!

I've learned alot about myself ,and what I want and don't want for my life.I feel that for one, life is too short to waste time with someone that is not loving you,or treating you the way you feel you want to be treated,and if you ain't really feelin that person like you should,I think that you should tell them.Why be in a relationship with a person you are not feelin,it's a waste of time.2-5 years of wasted time with a person that you ain't really feeling or she you for that matter,for what.And all that yelling and hollaing at each other is dead to me,I mean I know that you may not always agree on things,but all that yelling and shit takes to much damn energe and I want no parts of it. Now I've been married 3 x's and have not really been happy in either,which help's me to now realize that marriage is just not for me.It's too much work and at my age,I just don't have the patients or tolerance for shit anymore,dumb shit bothers me the most.I've been told a few times that I'm going to be a lonely old man,and if that is so,then I'd rather be that,then to try and put up with someones bullshit,and don't get me wrong,I'm not saying that I'm all that or don't have issues myself,because I do.I like things to be a surtain way,there's alot of things that I like to do that you may not agree with,I like to have fun laugh,or sometimes I just want to chill and say and do nothing.We all have some issues about ourselfs,ain't no one person perfect,and by all means I am not!But I can deal with my bullshit,it's your bullshit that may not fly so well with me.And see I'm a very straight up person so you may not like what I have to say half the time,not saying that I'm a negative person or have negative things to say,but when you are an outspoken person I find that some people can't take it,but then there are alot of people that love it.Either way I am who I am,like it or not,and I'm to damn old and set in my ways to change,which means I ain't changing.Now me being in a serious relationship,I go full circle and do what I'm suppose to as a husband,a father,a provider, as a man.It's just that I'm more happy being by myself,then being married,after doing it the first two times,and going through hell with them,I guess I'm just burned out with marriage and will not ever,do it again,I'm done!I don't even really want to date,I just want to chill and stay to myself for a min.You know get to know me alittle more, I mean people say that I'm going to be lonely and all that,but there's always someone when it comes to me,It's been that way my whole life,but now I just want to leave it at that,no marriage.I'm starting to believe that you don't have to be married to be happy,marriage is just something to do,to make your partner feel more comfortable.But in all honesty it sucks,so if you want it,hey,more power to you,just don't bring that shit over here!I'm a loner,and been that way my whole life,I like to come and go as I please,with no say so as to where I've been or what I was doing.Sometimes I like to not say a word if I don't want to,rather then have to explain why I'm not talking or what be the matter.When you get married all that changes,after awhile the sex stops,at times you don't even speak to each other,you stop going places together or don't want to go anywhere together.I can't speak for everybody,or everyones marriage just mine,and how I feel about it.I'm done,I've out grown it,or the need to want to do it again.If i'm ment to be by myself,then so be it,I will take it as it comes.And if someone happens to fall for me and wants to marry,well then that's their mistake,because I'm not doing it!I can do bad all by myself and don't need any help.I'm not trying to be mean,or hurt anyone,I'm just being true to me and how I feel about it,for some it's great,and can last many years without a hitch,and there are some who want to be married and look forward to that day.And for those I say do it,one must see what it is like to be,but choose wisely as to who you pick as your partner,and make sure it is also what he/or she wants.And don't fight over the little things,or be petty with one another.Work together as a team,and not just for your own selfish reasons,be true to one another and for one another,and not against one another.Love who you're with,and they should do the same to you,but don't be so much in love that you are blinded by what goes on that you may not see.And don't just think that something is going on,just be steady all things that are in the dark will soon come to light.Grow with one another and learn one another,that way you may be that strong backbone that is needed when and if times get hard for one of you.Talk to one another,that they may know what is on your mind and have a better understanding of you and what you want or need.And if you love each other,fight for each other and that love that you both share for each other,when one may be unsure of it.These are just a few things that I've learned over the years while being married just to name a few.It just ain't for me anymore,I past some of what I learned on to you,and hope that it goes well for you,but as for me.....shit I'm done!