Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Paint A Perfect Picture!!!!!

Paint a perfect picture,one that will inspire an artist like me,
One that will motivate the mind to be more creative then we.
A picture so perfect,that it has no color line no black no white,
Where all people are loved,in all shades and rays of light.
Paint a perfect picture,one of harmony,
Where I don't have to ever worry,about my brother harming me.
Paint a perfect picture,where we all have enough to eat,
A roof over our heads,clothes on our backs,new shoes on our feet.
Paint a perfect picture both of you and I,
Embraced in a love that can never be denied.
A picture so rare,so honest,so true,
Paint a perfect picture for me,all of you!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Brotherly love,or is it really!!!!

Growing up me and my brothers were very close although we all did our own thing,and had our own friends.We all come from the same mother although we all have different fathers,but all raised by that same woman,our mother.My mom gave birth to three boys,and her three boys had all girls until I broke the cycle with the first boy.Her grandchildren are five girls and one boy.Me and my brothers did alot together as kids,some good and some bad.We all had a hard life coming up,and going through most struggles that most poor family's go through.My moms had always told us as kids the we are all we have,and to love and respect each other always.As all siblings we had alot fights between us,but in the end we were still brothers.I'd be a fool if I said that I don't love them,and if they felt that I didn't,I would asure them that I do.But at the sametime I find that things started to change as we had gotten older,for reasons that are unknown to me to this day.Me and my oldest brother are madd cool as it should be,now me and my youngest is a different story all together.He has changed so much towards me that it's unreal,and I don't really understand it.That's my brother and I love him very much,but at the sametime being raised as I have,to be out spoken,to voice my thoughts,stand my ground,and not be an ass kisser.I don't try to understand what the problem is,I just pretty much be me.Because of the fact that I don't feel toward him what he feels about me,I pay it no mind.I still come around to holla at him,say what's up or whatever,but still plainly see that he wishes that I wasn't there,which is cool,because as I said I don't care how he feels about me.In my eyes you are still my brother and I don't have to act as stupid as he is.One day I just grabbed his ass up and hugged him and told him that I loved him just to fuck with his ass,that's just the kind of brother I am.Hahahahahaha,you should've saw the look on his face,he didn't know what to fuckin do.When him and my oldest brother talk about me,I'm told that he's always like fuck that nigga Charlie I don't fuck with that nigga.(~sigh~)Wow it's like that,what's really going on?Sounds alittle like hate to me because saying shit like that can't be love.LOL.I think the nigga got issues personnelly.So I told him that he don't have to worry about having to fuck with me or not,because I ain't fuckin with him at all.We are too damn old for that kiddie type shit anyway,and I have to much that I'm trying to do in my life to be worried about dumb shit like that.And my oldest brother is like yo,I get sick of hearing him talk that way about you,yall are both my brothers,and I don't want to hear one talk about the other like that.I'm like yo,I don't know what his problem is, which I don't,but that's him...I'm good.It's like I was the first to leave home,leaving Fla. and going back to NY for like 12-13 years,rarely calling home,never calling about problems that I may have been going through,never calling for money,nothing.Whatever I was going through,I went through it on my own.Life is to short to waste time on bullshit,we all we got,and that may not mean much to him,but it means a hellva lot to me.And I can't, no I won't, keep trying to be a brother to you and you're not trying to be one to me,blood or no blood.I don't give a fuck like you don't give a fuck.I pray for you kid,that you work whatever you feel inside,out!But I ain't on that type of time with you,you on some other shit that only you know about.Life can keep you on some bullshit,if you let it!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Educated By Life: Generation X!!!!!!!!

Life can throw you all kinds of shit,sometimes it makes you just want to give up.What is life about?,hardtimes,bad friends,going through changes with different people.Having kids and worrying if they are going to grow up learning things you try to teach them.Why do we have to go through ups and down?You work like a slave,and slave while you work,just to try and get to the next level in life,for it to sometimes go to a lower level then where you are trying to go.Everyone has ups and downs,sometimes life is good to you,and when it goes bad,it really gets bad.You can walk a fine line all your life,and shit still can go bad.You can pray all day everyday,and still have no good luck.I know we have to suffer sometimes in life because Jesus suffered,and died for our sin,so that we won't suffer in the next life.But this life,right now is hard to deal with,now.And seems to not be getting any better.I blame myself for some of the things that I've done in this life of mine,I blame myself for the things that I've done wrong to myself and to others.I blame myself for knowing better and not doing something about it then.What I'm writing is not as deep as I want to really go,but just things that I think about at times.Can it get any worse,with so many thing already looming in the air,can it really get any worse?As I take 2 steps forward,I find myself going 10 steps backward.I feel like I'm running a steady pace,but going nowhere.Just at a dead stop.And all I can think of is what next can go wrong.And people are not real with you,they are not in your corner as they would like for you to think.They tell you one thing,and then do another.They pat you on your back and smile in your face,but really mean you no good.Which is why I stay to myself anyway,because I know that I'm not going to do myself wrong.But why is it like that,why frunt?,and don't you even know that I see you fruntin.I'm tired man,tired of going through it in the same type manner as before,does it ever change,does it ever get better then this.And how much longer can I try and do the right thing and play by the rules,and pray, to get the same shitty ass results.It's enough to make a nigga go crazy,is this what it's about,is this it?If so then I don't want it.I've had enough.I can't do no more.These writings are just random thoughts that go through my mind sometimes like a run away train.Everyday can't be peaches & cream,and sometimes I'm just not really happy with myself or my life.My kids are the ones that really keep me going,and I want to be better because of them.But that's even hard to do sometimes.Being a long distances dad is no easy task.And reaching a surtain age and having you life turned upside down for a variety of different reasons don't help much either.I put up a good frunt and try to act as if things don't bother me,but the reality is,they do.They say writing sometimes help you get things off your chest,so let's just say that I do a whole lot of writing,and not just in blogs either.These are my rants,this is my way of venting out what's inside of me.I've learned not to get to angry about things,and not let things get to me as much.But if you knew how hard it was,would you be able to do the same.I say again,my kids are what's keeping me going,and without them,there is no telling,what I would be doing,but I do know that it wouldn't be good,Thank God for them.
You see,there were so many times that I could've went down that wrong road....you know the one that leads to nowhere.But just thinking about them and the end result to whatever wrong doing that I was thinking of,kept me from doing it.I am no good to my kids or myself if I am incarcerated,and that's just the bottom line.Growing older and opening up your mine to try and become wiser in the way you think,act,and conduct yourself,weather by yourself or around others is something only you can do.And you can't really be tought that,you have to learn that on
your own.And you also have to want that for yourself in order to learn it.It's easy to do wrong,It's easy to go down that wrong path,it's easy to get sucked in,and it's hard as hell to get out,mainly when you have gotten in too deep.And I also find that although we all know good from bad,and right from wrong,we sometimes put ourselfs into surtain situations.Yeah,life is hard,but life is also about learning self,learning from the mistakes that we make,bettering ourselfs,teaching what we've learned to someone else,so that they don't make the same mistakes
that we've made.Life is about doing the right thing in spight of the wrong that others may do.Not
caring about the peer pressure,or the names that you might get called.It ain't about who got the most money,or the biggest diamonds,or fattest whip.It ain't about being a gang member,or Drug dealer,or murderer.Life is about doing right for yourself and to others,living long and praying strong and pasting it on to the next generation.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I'm done!

I've learned alot about myself ,and what I want and don't want for my life.I feel that for one, life is too short to waste time with someone that is not loving you,or treating you the way you feel you want to be treated,and if you ain't really feelin that person like you should,I think that you should tell them.Why be in a relationship with a person you are not feelin,it's a waste of time.2-5 years of wasted time with a person that you ain't really feeling or she you for that matter,for what.And all that yelling and hollaing at each other is dead to me,I mean I know that you may not always agree on things,but all that yelling and shit takes to much damn energe and I want no parts of it. Now I've been married 3 x's and have not really been happy in either,which help's me to now realize that marriage is just not for me.It's too much work and at my age,I just don't have the patients or tolerance for shit anymore,dumb shit bothers me the most.I've been told a few times that I'm going to be a lonely old man,and if that is so,then I'd rather be that,then to try and put up with someones bullshit,and don't get me wrong,I'm not saying that I'm all that or don't have issues myself,because I do.I like things to be a surtain way,there's alot of things that I like to do that you may not agree with,I like to have fun laugh,or sometimes I just want to chill and say and do nothing.We all have some issues about ourselfs,ain't no one person perfect,and by all means I am not!But I can deal with my bullshit,it's your bullshit that may not fly so well with me.And see I'm a very straight up person so you may not like what I have to say half the time,not saying that I'm a negative person or have negative things to say,but when you are an outspoken person I find that some people can't take it,but then there are alot of people that love it.Either way I am who I am,like it or not,and I'm to damn old and set in my ways to change,which means I ain't changing.Now me being in a serious relationship,I go full circle and do what I'm suppose to as a husband,a father,a provider, as a man.It's just that I'm more happy being by myself,then being married,after doing it the first two times,and going through hell with them,I guess I'm just burned out with marriage and will not ever,do it again,I'm done!I don't even really want to date,I just want to chill and stay to myself for a min.You know get to know me alittle more, I mean people say that I'm going to be lonely and all that,but there's always someone when it comes to me,It's been that way my whole life,but now I just want to leave it at that,no marriage.I'm starting to believe that you don't have to be married to be happy,marriage is just something to do,to make your partner feel more comfortable.But in all honesty it sucks,so if you want it,hey,more power to you,just don't bring that shit over here!I'm a loner,and been that way my whole life,I like to come and go as I please,with no say so as to where I've been or what I was doing.Sometimes I like to not say a word if I don't want to,rather then have to explain why I'm not talking or what be the matter.When you get married all that changes,after awhile the sex stops,at times you don't even speak to each other,you stop going places together or don't want to go anywhere together.I can't speak for everybody,or everyones marriage just mine,and how I feel about it.I'm done,I've out grown it,or the need to want to do it again.If i'm ment to be by myself,then so be it,I will take it as it comes.And if someone happens to fall for me and wants to marry,well then that's their mistake,because I'm not doing it!I can do bad all by myself and don't need any help.I'm not trying to be mean,or hurt anyone,I'm just being true to me and how I feel about it,for some it's great,and can last many years without a hitch,and there are some who want to be married and look forward to that day.And for those I say do it,one must see what it is like to be,but choose wisely as to who you pick as your partner,and make sure it is also what he/or she wants.And don't fight over the little things,or be petty with one another.Work together as a team,and not just for your own selfish reasons,be true to one another and for one another,and not against one another.Love who you're with,and they should do the same to you,but don't be so much in love that you are blinded by what goes on that you may not see.And don't just think that something is going on,just be steady all things that are in the dark will soon come to light.Grow with one another and learn one another,that way you may be that strong backbone that is needed when and if times get hard for one of you.Talk to one another,that they may know what is on your mind and have a better understanding of you and what you want or need.And if you love each other,fight for each other and that love that you both share for each other,when one may be unsure of it.These are just a few things that I've learned over the years while being married just to name a few.It just ain't for me anymore,I past some of what I learned on to you,and hope that it goes well for you,but as for me.....shit I'm done!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Love Hates me!!!

Why do you hate me so,is it because of how I left you,how I could no longer take your foolish and childish ways. Or how I got tired of trying to make it work,when you didn't really want it to or didn't even care. When we met for the first time,I saw in you so much potential,I had so much belief, in how and what we could have been for one another. When we first hugged,our first kiss,how we made love,and all the happiness we felt in our hearts
just knowing that we would be together.All the late night talks,the laughter we shared,the story's we told each other,the dreams we had,now all gone.I once thought to myself,if I just treat her right,and love her strong,and do all that a man should for the woman he loves,we would be alright,and our love would last long.But you didn't see it that way,you saw some thing else,and made it out to be more then what it was.I would've giving you the world if I could,because that's how much you meant to me,I would've done anything for you,all you had to do was just ask.But you didn't see what I saw,you saw some thing else,some thing that I failed to see.You saw me as trying to be your father,when all I tried to do is guide you.You saw me as criticizing,when I tried to help or help you understand.You saw me as a monster,when that monster was really you.You let that monster control you,in everything you do.I would ask you for the simplest things,but you acted as if it was a task,and when you really didn't want to do it, you showed me your ass.What did I do to make you hate me so,is it the many times I made you pack your things and go.I would rather you leave then to stay and keep pushing,scratching my face while all the neighbors are looking. You yelling and screaming at the top of your lungs,trying to make a seen so the cop would come.Did you really even love me at all,or were you just trying to use me for the things that I was willing to to give you anyway.What I gave was from the heart,not to return at some later date.Things you didn't have and I knew you needed or never had.Maybe you felt that you were using me,or that you hit the jack pot when you met me,and if so you played yourself.God don't like ugly,and what you do to others will come back around. Now about our son,why do you feel the need to keep him from me,do you really think that you are hurting me...because you're not!Oh but it bothers the hell out of me,that you would stoop so low.That you would try and let our son grow up without a father,only to be like the millions of other young men that don't have a father in their life's.No you're not hurting me,you're hurting him,and you think that,that's the right thing to do,no it may not affect him now,but in the long run it will.And what's really sad is you know that I'm a good father,a positive rolemodel,spend time with him,play with him,pay my Child support,and above all love him more then life.But because you're angry with me and what we had,that you would try to keep him from me.Now what do that say about you?I can understand if I did none of these things for him,for you to be this way,but I do all of that and more.While you're sitting here playing with our sons life,knowing that he needs more then anything, a male figure,me in his life.What are you so angry about,is it the fact that you loss a good thing,just because you didn't feel the need to want to do right. Is it because you still have feeling for me and they won't go away like you want them to,or because every single time you look into our son face you see me.What is it that makes you so angry,that you would try to keep him from me.Because those are the only reasonable reasons that I can think of.You can't say that I didn't treat you right,because we both know that I did.So what is it?You know that I'm not going to let it end like this,and that I will fight you tooth and nail just to be apart of his life...you do know that right,yeah you know that,you play crazy if you want too. But I shouldn't even have to go through this,you got your life and I have mine,and I don't bother you,but to see my son or spend time with him,so what's the problem.Do you know,because I sure as hell don't.But you know me and how I am about my children,DO NOT PUSH ME WHEN IT COME TO MY KIDS!Life's little curve balls will sometimes get you in trouble....real talk!

Friday, October 2, 2009

I live life to the fullest,My trip to the Bahamas!!

What ever you do,you must learn how to enjoy life,because no matter what you go through or what problems you may have,they are still going to be there when you are dead and gone.

Freedom is going where ever the road takes you!!!

I love traveling and being on the road going from one state to the other,seeing the world so to speak.I've been just about everywhere in the US and had more fun then you would know.It's just the feeling of being on the go,do something other then nothing at all.Seeing the country side,changes in weather,from big city's to small
towns.Looking at the beauty that God has created,the landscape,the mountains,the rivers,the peeks & plains and of course the sky itself.It's a beautiful world that we have,and some people don't even take the time to just look at it.There is nothing like it which is why I say that freedom is going where ever the road takes you!